How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

When we were still children, innocence and naivety were some of our common characteristics. I remember from my childhood, I used to fight a lot with my two brothers. But no matter how much anger I felt towards them, forgiveness had always been easy even if we did not apologize to each other. Offenses and misunderstandings were simple back then. They just come and go. Children do not struggle with how to forgive someone who offended them.

Oh, how I miss those times when forgiveness doesn’t have to be that complicated.

However, growing old reshaped how we perceive and react to life because of the experiences and people we encountered. Our awareness expanded, and so did our ego. We gained knowledge that told us what is right and wrong, offensive or pleasing. When a person does something undesirable to us, whether intentional or not, our initial reaction is we get hurt or offended. And often, we struggle to forgive.

Why is it difficult to forgive?

Are you the type of person who gets easily displeased or offended by others? Or are you the opposite one? A friend recently confided to me that she is a ‘sensitive person’ and she easily gets offended by simple instances. She also remembers every detail of how a person made her feel angry or hurt and takes a long time to let go of these emotions.

On the other hand, I am the opposite. I give less attention to details. I don’t care much what other people would think of me. Most of the time, I am unbothered. However, being so does not save me from getting offended. Like everyone else, I do get hurt and angry too. When the level of pain is high, I struggle to forgive.

Then my friend asked the big question, “Maddie, how to forgive someone who offended me?”

Whether you are like me or my friend, forgiveness is not easy. It is natural to feel pain and anger when others offend us. However, we can learn how to forgive someone without getting overburdened by it.

But why is it difficult to forgive? I listed two common reasons.

1. Pain blinds us

Anger and pain can blind us and prevent us from seeing the whole picture of the situation. Strong negative emotions weaken our ability to assess the situation fairly, activate our ego’s initial instinct – self-centeredness and instantly switch the perception of ourselves as the victim in the story. In this state, our brain does its job – to provide comfort and a sense of safety by entertaining thoughts that validate our pains.

Victim-validating thoughts disable us from seeing and hearing our offender’s side of the story and limit us from evaluating his/her intention. Another tendency is we disregard the good things the other person did in the past and forget that one offense should not define his/her whole being.

We react this way because we are creatures that constantly crave love. We want to be loved all the time. Every time we feel emotions opposite to love, we cry out our desire for love.

2. We invest in relationships

Only the people we love can deeply hurt us. Strangers can also offend us but the pain does not go skin deep. True pain comes from relationships that we invested in – our relationships with parents, siblings, spouse or partner, children, and close friends.

When we have a relationship with another person, we become vulnerable. We give the person unspoken permission to see who we are behind our masks and imperfections. The time and energy we invest make relationships valuable, and the more valuable the relationship gets, the greater the pain we feel.

How to Forgive Someone

The process of forgiveness is different for every person. Some factors affect how a person forgives such as personality type and maturity level. Forgiving someone is uncomfortable because it purifies our souls. But it doesn’t have to be that hard. You may still struggle but there are ways to lighten it up. Here are some ways that you can try.

1. Understand where the pain comes from

While it is easier to react, get hurt, and be angry, give yourself space to pause and reflect on what happened, and try to understand why it is offending and painful for you. Pain is a reflection of your beliefs, fears, and traumas. Before judging the offense of the other person, you can reflect on the questions and example thoughts below.

Q1. Why did I get hurt?

“I am hurt because I thought that this person would love me all the time.”

Truth: Nobody in this world knows how to love perfectly. We live in a broken world and raised by broken people. We are all broken. That is why we are here on earth, to heal by learning the lessons that we get through pain. Human love is never constant. Only the Creator has the characteristic of perfect love. 

Q2. What values in my life that the other person offend?

“I am a sacrificial person. I will do anything for the people I love. This person did not return the equal amount of effort and sacrifice for me.”

Truth: No two human beings can love exactly the same. Each of us has a unique view of love and how we handle relationships. We have different sets of minds, upbringings, and values.

Q3. What childhood experience or trauma affects my perception of how others treat me?

When I was a child, I often felt that I was deprived of my needs and attention. I was unheard and unseen. When I grew up, I noticed that I got easily hurt when people neglected me or did not see my worth. I judge people who unintentionally neglected me as bad people. Instead of developing good relationships with others, I run away.

Truth: Pain is often a reaction of our nervous system based on our stored traumas and experiences in the subconscious mind. It is not always about the other person but about our fears and limited beliefs.

The above examples are from my experiences. Now it is your turn to answer the three questions above. As a journal therapy coach, I encourage you to write down your answers because each question is also a journaling prompt.

2. Take time to feel and release the pain

Emotional pain is a symptom of a wounded soul. Pain needs time to process and decipher the lessons that you need to learn. Take time to think and examine your heart and mind. Acknowledge and honor your pain. This stage may take time but it will release emotional baggage and can make forgiveness easier. 

You can process and release your emotions through the following:

2.1. Talk to the person

If the other person is open, willing, and in the same state of mind to discuss the problem, talk to him/her. This should only be done when both of you have already cooled down and are willing to hear each other’s side of stories. Clarify misunderstandings, apologize, forgive, let go of each other (if necessary), and move forward. Confronting issues with a loved one is uncomfortable. You need to be courageous and honest without reservations. Clarity leads to better relationships. However, if you think that your situation is not compatible with this approach, don’t do it. Not all problems can be solved by talking because not everyone is willing to listen.

2.2. Cry

Crying helps if the purpose is to release pain. If you cry just to drown yourself in your ‘I am a victim’ thoughts, you will only drag yourself down. Instead, let your tears flow to let go of anger, shame, and pain. You can cry as long as you need to. It is a wonderful channel to let go of emotions that are not serving you anymore. 

2.3. Journal

Journaling is another powerful way to release thoughts and emotions. Writing is a sacred act of transferring your energy outward through pen and paper. It is a calming and private way to face what you feel and it also allows you to document what you are going through.

• Writing is a magical process. It gives you a better view of what you are going through, increases self-awareness, and the ability to come up with a fair judgment towards yourself and the person who hurt you. Journaling also offers friendship between yourself and your own universe. It creates a safe space and resting place for your vulnerable thoughts and emotions.

• Journaling or keeping a diary has many benefits. I have been journaling since I was eight years old and discovered different ways to use journaling as a tool for spiritual and emotional healing, self-development, and expanding my awareness. Over the years of using the power of writing in many aspects of my life, I created the Write To Heal Diary where I guide people on how to successfully use journaling for self-reflection, healing, and soul nourishment. If you want to learn more about WTHD, check out this link. It’s free. 🙂

3. Decide what will happen to the relationship

Forgiving someone does not always mean reconciliation or reparation of the relationship. A lot of people have a hard time forgiving others because they think that forgiving means continuing the relationship with the person.

When the relationship is abusive (physical, verbal, or emotional) and does not make you a better person, think a lot about it. It is difficult to live a joyful and peaceful life with people that do not nourish you.

Know when to let go and not.

Letting go of a person does not mean rejecting them from your life, but can mean loving them from a distance. You can love a person without his/her physical presence in your life through respect and wishing all the best for them.

Forgiveness can get lighter if it is clear what you want to happen to the relationship. Set boundaries if necessary. It is your responsibility to protect yourself from unhealthy relationships.

Final Encouragements

• Forgiveness is difficult when you are not ready. Do not force yourself to do it if you are not genuine about it. It needs time and space. There is no need to rush and do not feel guilty about it.

• You can read many articles on how to forgive someone which could make you think that forgiveness is easy. The truth is only you can gauge how much time and effort you need to forgive. Respect and accept your process. Be kind to yourself especially when you are hurt.

Thank you for reading this far. I hope that this blog post helps you in a way. If you find yourself struggling to forgive, have questions, or need someone to listen to what you are going through, do not hesitate to connect with me. Write and share your thoughts with me at madylene.writer@gmail.com.

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